Post by bodie the almighty and awesome on Nov 18, 2007 11:30:39 GMT -5
So a long, long time ago I wrote a oneshot fanfic called Not Just a Breeze, about my character... Breeze. But I wasn't too happy with it, and now, I present to you the rewritten version. That takes up 46 pages in my notebook in its unfishedness. This might take a while to type, huh?
Here's the original: www.fanfiction.net/s/3339855/1/Not_Just_a_Breeze
And chapter one of the new version...
1.
Since when had coffee beans been this heavy? If Aukai had known that beforehand, he never would have taken a job at Kiki’s Coffee Hut, unloading the dreaded beans from a truck for hours on end. His companions were a bossy girl in her twenties named Katherine and a large, dim-witted man called Joe, who both found quite a few excuses to let Aukai do most of the work. The midday Hawaiian sun was beating down on their heads, making a simple job ten times harder.
Grumbling, Aukai put down his current box of coffee beans and collapsed into a chair at one of the coffee shop’s outdoor tables. Katherine raised her eyebrows in disapproval, but Aukai was too tired to argue.
“You’ll have to get the job done eventually,” she advised him, “so you might as well stop stalling and get it over with.”
Aukai groaned in reply. Why did girls have to be so difficult? Meanwhile, Joe, struggling under the weight of one of the heavier boxes, dropped it to the ground with a loud cry. Coffee beans flew everywhere, Joe smiling meekly and shielding his face from the cascading beans. Aukai sighed. More trouble was the LAST thing he needed.
“JOE!” scolded Katherine. “You clumsy good-for-nothing, look what you’ve done!” Aukai didn’t listen any further; it was too hot for arguing, far too hot…
And then he spotted the sprinklers on the lawn of the shop next-door. Of course! Aukai crept silently behind his co-workers so Katherine wouldn’t hear and tell him off, but she and Joe were so engaged in their squabble that if Aukai had let off an atomic bomb they wouldn’t have noticed. With one last furtive glance at Katherine, Aukai grabbed the sprinkler knob… and pulled.
Instantly water sprayed everywhere. Katherine spluttered in surprise, but to Aukai it was like manna from heaven on such a hot day. And no one even noticed the little blue coffee bean labeled “521” that was from outer space, not heaven, roll under a table. And under that table was where it turned into something else.
Experiment 521 was a small, furry, white creature. She had wide gray eyes and a blue nose, with a blue patch on her stomach as well. Her ears were long and rounded, and her paws padded silently over the ground due to lack of claws. She shook herself after having been a pod for so long, and then noticed the strange creatures before her arguing loudly about the water that appeared to be spraying from the sky.
Immediately 521 took a step back, and then another, until she was shielded by the table completely. Water. She hated water.
“If it weren’t for your clumsiness—” began Katherine angrily, waggling a finger in Joe’s direction.
“Katherine, please, it’s hot, and the beans are so heavy. It could have happened to anyone,” Joe complained.
“B-beeeeeeaaaaaans?” repeated 521 softly, sounding out the new word. She turned and saw the truck full of coffee beans. “Beans. Hmm.” And then she had an idea. “Well, they need help carrying beans, do they?” 521 mused thoughtfully, in her native language of Tantalog. “Well, I’ll help them then.” She waited a minute for the water to subside before making her move, however. Stupid namitsu.
521 raised her arms in an almost unnoticeable gesture, but it was enough. Suddenly the boxes rose up into the air. Katherine and Aukai were inside Kiki’s getting dry, but Joe was attempting to make amends by picking up the spilled coffee beans. He stood up, after having dropped his load all over again, and gaped at what he saw. The remaining boxes, as well as the beans he’d been trying in vain to pick up, were floating in the air. But that was… impossible…
Joe’s mouth hung open. “Aukai! Katherine! C’mon, you gotta see—” He paused. The boxes wavered, threatening to fall. Joe got the message. “So only I can see this or they’ll drop? Great. Just perfect. Hey, you ghost or spirit or whatever you are… you think you could float them into the store for me? It’d be a big help.”
521 smiled. Oh, he was asking for it… The wind picked up, and suddenly Kiki’s was swept off the ground with a flick of 521’s wrist and a huge gust of air. Joe could hear his co-workers’ screams of terror as the building lurched beneath their feet. With the slightest movement of the hand, 521 willed the coffee shop forward. The beans couldn’t come to the shop. So the shop had come to the beans.
“Put that down!” cried Joe fearfully, eyes wide. “Please, please! If anything happens to those coffee beans—”
“The BEANS? What about US?” came Aukai’s voice from inside the floating shop.
“Uh, I mean if anything happens to my friends, that’ll be bad,” Joe quickly corrected himself.
521 frowned. Blitznak, the party pooper… All she’d done was try to make his job more fun, but no, now he wanted her gone. She gently—well, semi-gently—set the building down.
Shaken, Aukai and Katherine walked out, followed by a very confused Kiki. “Oh, god,” said Kiki softly.
“Did you guys… I mean… I’m not hallucinating, am I…?” Joe asked them.
“No, you’re not,” muttered Aukai.
“All right, listen up. This never happened,” hissed Katherine, “understood? If anyone hears about this we’ll be sent to an insane asylum before you can say ‘I’m not crazy.’”
They all nodded, but by then 521 was long gone, far away from the scene of the crime. She was in the wind, with the wind… WAS the wind… everything was wonderful, at one with the air… the only thing missing was someone special to share it with.
Someone special? Pshaww! 521 reprimanded herself bitterly for even thinking about it. A friend. What a stupid idea. Who needs friends? “I don’t,” the experiment said aloud.
She sighed. She wasn’t convincing herself. The wind flew away.
Here's the original: www.fanfiction.net/s/3339855/1/Not_Just_a_Breeze
And chapter one of the new version...
1.
Since when had coffee beans been this heavy? If Aukai had known that beforehand, he never would have taken a job at Kiki’s Coffee Hut, unloading the dreaded beans from a truck for hours on end. His companions were a bossy girl in her twenties named Katherine and a large, dim-witted man called Joe, who both found quite a few excuses to let Aukai do most of the work. The midday Hawaiian sun was beating down on their heads, making a simple job ten times harder.
Grumbling, Aukai put down his current box of coffee beans and collapsed into a chair at one of the coffee shop’s outdoor tables. Katherine raised her eyebrows in disapproval, but Aukai was too tired to argue.
“You’ll have to get the job done eventually,” she advised him, “so you might as well stop stalling and get it over with.”
Aukai groaned in reply. Why did girls have to be so difficult? Meanwhile, Joe, struggling under the weight of one of the heavier boxes, dropped it to the ground with a loud cry. Coffee beans flew everywhere, Joe smiling meekly and shielding his face from the cascading beans. Aukai sighed. More trouble was the LAST thing he needed.
“JOE!” scolded Katherine. “You clumsy good-for-nothing, look what you’ve done!” Aukai didn’t listen any further; it was too hot for arguing, far too hot…
And then he spotted the sprinklers on the lawn of the shop next-door. Of course! Aukai crept silently behind his co-workers so Katherine wouldn’t hear and tell him off, but she and Joe were so engaged in their squabble that if Aukai had let off an atomic bomb they wouldn’t have noticed. With one last furtive glance at Katherine, Aukai grabbed the sprinkler knob… and pulled.
Instantly water sprayed everywhere. Katherine spluttered in surprise, but to Aukai it was like manna from heaven on such a hot day. And no one even noticed the little blue coffee bean labeled “521” that was from outer space, not heaven, roll under a table. And under that table was where it turned into something else.
Experiment 521 was a small, furry, white creature. She had wide gray eyes and a blue nose, with a blue patch on her stomach as well. Her ears were long and rounded, and her paws padded silently over the ground due to lack of claws. She shook herself after having been a pod for so long, and then noticed the strange creatures before her arguing loudly about the water that appeared to be spraying from the sky.
Immediately 521 took a step back, and then another, until she was shielded by the table completely. Water. She hated water.
“If it weren’t for your clumsiness—” began Katherine angrily, waggling a finger in Joe’s direction.
“Katherine, please, it’s hot, and the beans are so heavy. It could have happened to anyone,” Joe complained.
“B-beeeeeeaaaaaans?” repeated 521 softly, sounding out the new word. She turned and saw the truck full of coffee beans. “Beans. Hmm.” And then she had an idea. “Well, they need help carrying beans, do they?” 521 mused thoughtfully, in her native language of Tantalog. “Well, I’ll help them then.” She waited a minute for the water to subside before making her move, however. Stupid namitsu.
521 raised her arms in an almost unnoticeable gesture, but it was enough. Suddenly the boxes rose up into the air. Katherine and Aukai were inside Kiki’s getting dry, but Joe was attempting to make amends by picking up the spilled coffee beans. He stood up, after having dropped his load all over again, and gaped at what he saw. The remaining boxes, as well as the beans he’d been trying in vain to pick up, were floating in the air. But that was… impossible…
Joe’s mouth hung open. “Aukai! Katherine! C’mon, you gotta see—” He paused. The boxes wavered, threatening to fall. Joe got the message. “So only I can see this or they’ll drop? Great. Just perfect. Hey, you ghost or spirit or whatever you are… you think you could float them into the store for me? It’d be a big help.”
521 smiled. Oh, he was asking for it… The wind picked up, and suddenly Kiki’s was swept off the ground with a flick of 521’s wrist and a huge gust of air. Joe could hear his co-workers’ screams of terror as the building lurched beneath their feet. With the slightest movement of the hand, 521 willed the coffee shop forward. The beans couldn’t come to the shop. So the shop had come to the beans.
“Put that down!” cried Joe fearfully, eyes wide. “Please, please! If anything happens to those coffee beans—”
“The BEANS? What about US?” came Aukai’s voice from inside the floating shop.
“Uh, I mean if anything happens to my friends, that’ll be bad,” Joe quickly corrected himself.
521 frowned. Blitznak, the party pooper… All she’d done was try to make his job more fun, but no, now he wanted her gone. She gently—well, semi-gently—set the building down.
Shaken, Aukai and Katherine walked out, followed by a very confused Kiki. “Oh, god,” said Kiki softly.
“Did you guys… I mean… I’m not hallucinating, am I…?” Joe asked them.
“No, you’re not,” muttered Aukai.
“All right, listen up. This never happened,” hissed Katherine, “understood? If anyone hears about this we’ll be sent to an insane asylum before you can say ‘I’m not crazy.’”
They all nodded, but by then 521 was long gone, far away from the scene of the crime. She was in the wind, with the wind… WAS the wind… everything was wonderful, at one with the air… the only thing missing was someone special to share it with.
Someone special? Pshaww! 521 reprimanded herself bitterly for even thinking about it. A friend. What a stupid idea. Who needs friends? “I don’t,” the experiment said aloud.
She sighed. She wasn’t convincing herself. The wind flew away.
